Random Thoughts On My Friends

I thought I had nothing to blog about but..This is my therpy

My best friend has gone back to church and got a new boy friend. Gomez is my best friend in the whole world. Years ago I would even fight for him cause he was like a sissy back then couldn't fight well. I said to him. Thats good. If your not cool with hanging out heavy anymore feel free to just let me know it doesn't affect our friendship or anything but I don't want to be in the way of your spiritual development (i meant it too) cause sometimes, people can be a hindrance even good friends.Thats a reality that as a friend you have to accept that sometimes peoples lifestyle change. BUT, he was given the chance to tell me!

He said no. But, my oldest friendship is changing. But I wanted him to just be real and tell me not just go to acting all weird. Like a Terry McMillan novel...Disappearing Acts...

Now, hes worried the person hes dating is married and one day when the guy decides to have kids the guy will go and hell be in pain. I said to him "Just enjoy it while you have it" I mean im no authority on this and I personally care to much about my feelings to date a DL married guy cuz I just don't wanna taste any-ones wife or lover when I kiss or sleep with them. That may sound corny but hell if I care. My ego is healthy enough to want my own. Never cared for others not to say I didn't do it years ago but I felt like crap plus I just cant face a person If I know I did something like that. being fake is too much effort for me.

ANYWAY, but I just want to be there if it goes any way that makes him unhappy. He is such a good person. Thats my oldest friend. This thoughts bums me. My nana would have said "just be there" Thats what I will do.

But I have to admit, Even when I was just dating, even when I was a teenager I always made time for my friends. No I didn't hang as much but I always callled, sent an email or something! Even now I incorporate my friends into my life? So whats the problem. Desperation is a ugly bitch and no one I know wears it well!

And not because the persons I was dating were boring or unattractive. Tho I dated some plain looking folks but I dated a lot of really good looking if somewhat boring otherwise people. I just figured if it was not gonna work with me hanging over them like a damn fox-head on a church lady's shoulder aint gonna change that! Now even tho I'm with somebody I always divide my time and call, visit or go to the mall. Most of my friends just get into who their with and isolate themselves.IU mean they disappear! Wont even answer a phone! Then call three days later to tell me "They were in session???" Jesus help me. If i was but 10 years younger Id slap some of my friends. They are so corny sometimes

BUT, Then when it goes south. They call. Crap, half the time I be like WTF??? That pisses me off. I feel funny behind this sort of angry but evil too. Like Oh motherfucker desperate ass now u wanna HOLLA! I hate that feeling but I feel it. Granted I respect the honeymoon period six months but jeez after that HELLO? The world is still here! You are like using up a slot on my faves that im getting ready to change....but quick!

Like you never went with someone B4 life doesn't just change that fast. I don't like when my single friends start to date and go to acting crazy. I say ok, a week or two but after that get back with your circle. We are no longer 21....I have to think about this maybe the person really is that hott but I saw the picture and they went out with the wife and him and a beard! (that's a girl a hag that's in on the secret) I just said hummm, maybe my tone made them mad? Like I didn't approve.

But, I don't have this with my heterosexual friends! Its just the Homosexual ones. Weird

Since i feel evil anyway.

Another friend is dating someone from a rehab program. I didn't say anything negative I just listened. I so didn't want to hear about how its so different dating someone clean than someone who is on drugs or whatever. All summer I listened! I never even got a chance to talk and when I did. They interrupt me and go back to their life. That pissed me off.

But now this may be my fault. I don't wanna hear every meeting and a blow by blow description of your bizzness. But I punked up and should have said that but, they are recovering too and I just don't wanna say the wrong thing. He said they confess everything in group. But I think they feel that I wont vist because of their confessions of drug use. I admit I did say i wouldnt carry my knapsack to their damn house cause now I know where all my earrings disapperead to over the years LOL But I said it to them and we talked about it and squashed it. Hell but I was worried about them bringing in people that were just coming out of a damn program. i was with them one day and to me he acts weird just saying all types of nonsense and hes older than all of us at 45 years old talking about how he use to steal hell!

Finally I had enough and just told them. I was tired of hearing about their boyfriend all the time.Plus I didn't like him and I don't appreciate you calling at 6am B4 first meeting! I'm just getting ready for work checking email and im starting to not like them anymore cause they start my day off draggy. I don't think im predjudiced about cocaine use or HIV or nothing I just don't want them calling with the same thing all the time. I have to work on this maybe on this point i wasn't friend enough. I could have become a drug addict if i wasnt so damn cheap.Whe i use to smoke weed it would kill me to pay for it. Literally. I really was that damn cheap. Id buy alcohol before weed cause I always figured it would last longer. Oh well. Crack was just to damn expensive. When i saw people stealing I knew that was something I couldnt deal with. I like shoes and tangible things too much.

Gabe said to me I'm just pissed because two friends are no shows at 3 of my parties. 3! Hes right cause I invited them into OUR HOME. Plus I had to buy the food and drinks and all. So yeah plus they should have said they werent going to make it. So yeah, Im pissed.

Thats what friends do. If I find a good place i call and tell them lets go here or there you can bring whoever you want (if there single) So what am I doing wrong? I will call this person tomorrow this is definitely my fault I was being a bigot ( that's my word of the week I finally used it) and was being bigoted in my thinking towards my friend. I'm going to buy a card and apologize because that friend came with me to make Nana's final arrangements. I was wrong and will straighten this out ASAP. I guess i will listen to some of his damn tales cause I am the only one outta that set that didn't get involved in the Crack shit and all that and he hasn't been well lately either. Damn this typing is good for my mind.

What pisses some of them off is I don't share the personal side of my relationships. In my house I talk to my closest about our business I rarely seek advice because I know when I'm wrong and I know when I'm right. Sometimes if im arguing at home i say to myself. Kell is this worth going to bed all uptight? So I usually say " well we all see things different and maybe I just need to see it the way your thinking it. Or well just keep going back and forth. Most arguments stem from boredom anyway around here. I just start shit cause I'm bored so I pick on every little thing which I admit to.

Hmm, even when I was out there dating I never told anyone about sex to me I just am not the sharing kind about some matters. Hell, Ill read a book or something if theirs a problem. But, I grew up with the idea that you don't sit and tell your bedroom business cause your friends will sit there and as soon as they get a chance wanna find out if your lying. So I would always say "ah it aint all that" and change the subject. I get such a kick outta that lol.

im exhausted the commute into the city is becoming a drag.

There is a great DJ named renee who is female. I want to find out where shes working so we can all go hang out at the club. I pray its in the lower east side. I have been playing her music non stop the past 3 nights its sort of a jazzy type of house. I'm not gonna invite anybody imma go with gabe and I'm going to see how they feel when I don't call or pick up my phone. January is coming and im tired of being every damn bodys crying pad. Ill make some new friends lol

I worked on this project at work from 11am till 9 pm. i don't care anymore I think my ADD is kicking in ( if I have ADD?) I feel refreshed. If anyone I knows sneaks and reads this I DON'T CARE!!! ITS HOW I FEEL!