PRE - RELATIONSHIP AGREEMENT (humour)

Hi ! I had fun in reading this, and wanted to share : PRE - RELATIONSHIP AGREEMENT The party of the first part (herein referred to as "He"), being of sound mind and pretty good body, agrees to the following with the party of the second part (herein referred to as "He"): 1. FULL DISCLOSURE 1.1 At the commencement of said relationship (colloquially referred to as the "first date"), each party agrees to fully disclose any: (1) current boyfriends; (2) dependent children; (3) bizarre religious beliefs; (4) phobias and fears; (5) social diseases; (6) strange political affiliations; or (7) currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet been terminated. 1.2 Further, each party agrees to make known any deep-seated complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, and/or organized sports. 1.3 Failure to make the disclosures in this clause will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere. 2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS 2.1 Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison (the "matchmaker" ) blameless in the event that the "fix-up" turns out to be a "real loser" or" psycho". (For definition of "real loser", see Elliott Spitzer, or Bobby Brown.) 3.DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP 3.1 Should said relationship proceed past the first date, both parties mutually agree to use the following terminology in describing their said "dating": (1) For the first thirty (30) days, both parties consent to say they are "going out". (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity. ); (2) Following the first thirty (30) days, both parties may say they are "seeing somebody" and may be referred to by third parties as "an item"; (3) Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the first date, either member may elect to use the terms "boyfriend" or "lover" and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as "a couple". 3.2 Under no circumstances are the phrases "my better half," "my boo", "the old ball and chain," or "my old man" acceptable. 3.3 If both parties consent, this timetable may be sped up PROVIDED THAT if either party "gets too serious" and disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of "moving too fast" and may once again be said to be "on the market." 4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY 4.1 For the first thirty (30) days, both parties agree not to ask questions about the other party's whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; "rights" or "holds" on the other party's time. 4.2 Following the first six weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be "missing in action" the "wounded party" agrees to "give up". 5. DATING ETIQUETTE 5.1 For the first thirty (30) days, both parties agree: to be overly considerate of the other party's work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions; that all dates will be made at least twenty-four (24) hours in advance; that there will be no "running off in the middle of the night to console an old boyfriend"; and to strike the phrase "but he needs me" from their vocabularies. not to text, answer cell, respond to email; during dates, late night, or early morning 5.2 Further, during the first six- (6) weeks each member of said relationship agrees to attempt one spontaneous home-cooked meal or to arrange the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers. 5.3 Following the first forty-five (45) days, both parties will return to their normal personalities. 5.4 Either party must not insist that the other stop at a particular ATM en route (while on a date) so that they would save the $1-2 fee for using another ATM other than his own bank. This is viewed as cheap and could possibly pass over into areas of the relationship which a person of good upbringing is unaccustomed to and will quickly tire of. 6. TERMS OF PAYMENT 6.1 It is agreed that, respective gross income aside, "Both" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theatres, and breakfasts for the first month unless mutually agreed upon before said activity. 6.2 This clause does not apply to meals ordered from the bedroom, which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at the time. 7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS (Occasionally known as the "Why do I bother to keep my own place?" codicil) 7.1 Should said relationship progress to the point where the couple spends more than four nights a week together, every effort shall be made to split the time between their respective apartments. 7.2 Further, it is agreed that both parties will attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates. 7.3 Both parties will avoid having their mothers call at 7:30AM in the morning. 7.4 He agrees to "pick up after himself" while in residence at other’s apartment, including washing his whiskers out of the sink and assisting with household duties. 7.5 Each reserves the right to respect the others choice to keep his apartment "a mess". This clause is void if vermin or unsanitary filth is present. 7.6 Loud snoring, farting in bed, refusing to brush ones teeth before bed or first thing in the morning, is cause for termination of relationship. If a medical condition exist that causes said conduct, the guilty party agrees to immediately seek medical help until condition improves. 8. THE 90-DAY GRACE PERIOD 8.1 For the first three months, each member of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use of phrases like "Let's move in together," "Why don't we start a family?" and using archaic terminology- "Let's get married." 9. THE "L" WORD 9.1 For the first sixty (60) days, both parties agree not to use the phrase "I love you." 9.2 Without limiting the generality of clause 9.1 and to remove any doubt, the parties are permitted to love plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but are not permitted to state that they love each other. 9.3 Failure by one party to abide by this clause will result in the other party using the "G" word... "Gone." 10. TERMINATION 10.1 Any of the following will be grounds for immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship: Infidelity Running off at any time to console an ex-girl/boyfriend; Ending any argument with any of the following sentences: "My ex used to do that same thing", "Now I know why your ex divorced you", or "Like a women, you store fat in your thighs, don't you?"