journal2008103 scrapbook #1

It is 3:48pm and I am going to bed .

My title sucks but I just am going to freestyle my thoughts on what comes to my head. I will read this again next November

( i hope this blog offends no one its just my thoughts on these matters if you feel your gonna be offended jusst dont read it because I cant defend my thoughts...they just are and they make me who i am.)

Today has been hectic and weird. On the weekends i work on my home based business which is computer repair.Most people I get are from word of mouth. About 50 to 60 sometimes 70. The 70 year olds I like them them the best.

They are usually just nice. wanna feed you. Talk about the olden days. i like that. Don't wanna be fed tho! I always say no. hell, never know these days. I say a old person was young once and probbly mean and shitty now they are just old and shitty and mean not all tho.

I'm no genius by any means took me 5 years to get a 4 year degree. My math level my first year of college was so low im shamed to say it it was 6.9 six year 9th month. The professors were helpful and I was able to raise It and get outta the no credit class. yeah the special ed class at college. But in 7th grade I had a 12.9 reading and comprehension level. My 4th grade teacher was hateful that's why I didn't learn the basics then i c=basically coasted thru high school because I was on the basketball team and the teachers liked me. damn enablers... should have left me back . I only liked to read. I liked to talk too. That use to get me in troubblr. Id say things the teacheer didnt appreciate. The kids would laugh but I was really serious.

Sunday school was the worst cause when we studied genesis i asked who was there? I didnt get it. So I never grasped the religious concepts. of just believe. They to me were for people who were in need of something to believe in. There's nothing wrong wit that. I dont think I need to pray because God should know everything cause he made us. i think when we wake up we have everything ih our power to make life better. We may not choose to dig a ditch or a sewer so then we go hungry. We may not choose to do alot of things but I just dont think hopping on ones knees changes much I think change comes from within. So some people need the organized structure of religion for the discipline it teaches. i think people dont wanna admit that. But Its worthy of pondering upon. The why of it all

I dont disbelieve either. I just wonder how to make it all add up. Even if their was no God and frankly I dont care if there is or isnt because Im here and I just wanna treat peple the way i want to be treated and I cant go to hell for that. But, i use to ask did people go to hell before their was no jesus and boy they would get mad at me and put me in a corner but i didnt cry becaue i realized they didnt know! I would write in my notebook when i was a kid. These people do not jknow much. i remember writing that

it scared the adults.! I was in Sister Goldie smalls beginners class when I got my first whip pin for questioning God.

So I didnt hate religion i just dont think organized religion works. it reminds me of this book i read called Animal Farm by George Orwell. I have a copy on my book shelf These pigs take over the farm and they basically end up becoming followers and leaders and eventually they begin to feel superior and want everyone to look up to them

I was born into a catholic family (picture 1945 from my mother collection. my father is on the left)and I know catholic history is kinda gory. So I just could never grasp why God would wash out the whole earth cause they didnt like him and wouldn't behave. He surely knew that when eve pulled that crap in the garden. Now he gets mad? I didnt understand but no one was real enough to say "shit kid, i dont either but its better to believe in something than nothing at all" now thats the type reasoning I appreciate.

My mother was very spirtual (my mother circa 1951 nyc,ny)and she would say to me. Some people need religion. That is OK if you dont understand ask. But ask respectfully and tell the nuns if they dont feel comfortable talking about its ok. That shit didnt work either I always got hit by those ladies. LOL But I never was disrespectful and still am not. Plus, my mother would never punish me when she found out I asked. Shed just look at me like hes so weird...

Some people cant talk about religion (st matthews church, eastern parkway brooklyn 2008)I can cause its a fact of life. Some people believe people are born gay others dont. Its just the way things are. I have a friend online that always tries to bait me. But i dont care enough to argue cause I realize to him he needs it and loves it and thats cool. If he thinks im going to hell big deal say i. he doesnt know that. because hes a baptist and that denomination is only about 500 years old anyway and they broke away from the church of england so i figure to each his own.

But, I just listen. But Im neither an Atheist or the other word I think its Agnostic..yeah agnostic. im just dont care ish. I wouldn't follow a man anyway some preachers are to damn lazy to work if u aske me. ( Rev. Booker and Ms. cora book circa 1950, harlem ny, pastor of saint Paul's church mothers collection)

They have to sound god to get paid. sorta like pimps. Then some really are spirtual leaders. i guess people have to feel it for theirselves as for me I would follow what I feel is right and good and would help the world without forcing them to do things and believe stuff they weren't sure about. I could be a preacher for peace and jsutice maybe but i wouldn't make them learn the catheism and learn the rosary and the stations of the cross and all the stuff you do before baptism. Its all pomp and circumstance ( i like that phrase) like a pagent. Oh well.

When I discoverd my sexuality and i read that you can go to hell for Begin gay i didnt like it. But my mother said. She feels that the sin is in people who just have sex with a lot of people because thats really just gluttony and gluttony is a sin because you have no self control. i dint understand it for years. She said if your gonna live that lifestyle just respect yourself and others. I never really knew gay was wrong in my house no one cared. Or at least didnt talk about it. I think we only had 3 conversations about that.

No one ever put anyone down so i thought it was ok to like boys and girls cause i wasnt sexual anyways. i always liked that the most about growing up. Not knowing that its suppose to be wrong. I remember when some religious person told me "but your lifestyle is wrong" i swear i thought they had lost their mind. i dont remember what happened maybe it will come to me one day. But i remember the incident that part

anyway, But with computers im just smarter than some and I have a knack for fixing minor to medium problems by just doing it. I can find a old computer and make it work.

Anyway, This one lady calls me all the time and I finally got the memo..I was just their like 5 days ago and formatted her hard drive and re installed her OS. backed up all her pics to disk, and her OS. Great job The whole time shes opening her legs and touching her breast. I was broke I wasn't even thinking about that BS...I was wishing I was like 14 then the Miss Robinson thing cause I was a virgin till 17. I didn't know how to do it with boys or girls. Girls use to say " I'm not on my period yet I cant get pregnant and id be like oh ok" I was dumb as hell!!

Plus I was kinda shy cause I wore braces till 9th grade. But i had girlfriends but I just kissed and I didn't know guys could even do anything! No joke. Id peek at Tony patterson in the gym locker but everyone of my friends did 9 they all ended up gay or bi sexual. But i couldn't connect the dots. I had never really seen anyone Else's genitals i don't have a brother so Yul know. I never even saw my dads till the week before he died I had to put a cather on him. It was weird to see such things. You don't wanna see these things but it was my dad so big deal.

so she calls the lady at 6 am and I cant believe this crap you mean to tell me you don't know how to put in your CC info? and hit the print button?

3 minutes later im finished.

These older women trip me out. I'm gay and have no problem telling people. I'm one of those don't really care what a person thinks. hell, They talk crap anyway. But im not like very feminine at all, i talk a lot of junk and hang around the guys in my neighborhood cause I know them. But i wouldn't sleep with none of my friends i just don't see em that way. i think the feelings mutual. in the summer I play ball and I have this little dog that follows me everywhere and everyone knows the person I go with and they probably talk shit at home. Cuz I do about them too but its all good in the street. cant cook too good. I would date anyone who could cook years ago. i hate cooking and washing dishes. its boring and you gotta keep cleaning stuff crap but But, I cook chicken good tho and Turkey cause I don't eat beef or pork. I just cant digest it since i was a kid. No religious conviction or nothing. Sometimes i eat a cheeseburger from McDonald's like 2 times a year not much more. i eat pancakes and eggs for breakfast. I like may-po. i eat tomato sandwiches alot. i love tomato sandwiches since i was a kid. they are so good....

I was married twice. have never ever lied to anyone about my sexuality. Alot of gay men have an aversion to women's genitals. I don't know. A body is a body. I like nice bodys if i feel comfortable with them. I cant say im bi tho I just like whoever. i go with a guy right now. well for 8 years off and on . I admit Some women's hygiene sucks theyd make a man go gay anyway if that were possible which I doubtt is. people are just born that way. But I loved my wife alot we were young and I never messed with a guy or girl while I was married which wasn't long anyway.I never thought of her as a wife either we just best friends thats where i fucked up. Plus when I was 18 It was something to do. It felt....right

When I was about 9 a boy called me a faggot cause I lost a fight i remember being hurt so i didn't even know what a faggot was. But it didn't sound nice. I remember that crying and crying looking in the mirror that hung over the dresser. It was jeffrey parker we use to play that corny ping pong game you buy at sears and race match box cars. he was a real Indian least his grandmother was he was half black but had straight hair. I beat him up in first grade on the school bus. Damn the shit you remember freestylin/ That fucker is in prison now he steals always did steal. use to steal shit outta my room

My Mama came in the room she said well are you a faggot? Do you know what a faggot is? My mother was very blunt she had a low opinion of anyone that quit high school and didn't have a job. Or if a girl got pregnant out of wedlock two times shed just shake her head. her saying was. Plus she said children were just little people with little minds. That needed to grow. She was weird my parents were like nomads kind of. They read those psychology books and they both went to college. Tho my dad had quit school when he was in 5th grade mom made him go to night school and then to college he only went two years but it was a big deal inn the family. They didn't have me till they were like 40 i think .

anyway , i said no

She said a bunch of sticks or a cigarette if your over seas. I looked it up years later it was true. But I knew a faggot was just something nasty as hell even at 9 to alot of people it was the worst thing you could call someone. id rather be the coo-ty boy that a faggot. randy was a faggot for 12 years he was not bothered in the least. LOL There were no role models called faggot that I knew of.

(jahlaune age 16, new york)I still didn't like it. because we had two guys on our block that were really out and about. theyd walk past the yard and say "oh Miss thing my periods on" and laugh and wed throw rocks. i was just a follower. i never tried to hit them and theyd chase us and say we were going to grow up to be fabulous queens any damn way. Butchie was one i cant remember the other ones name oh. marvin barnes!

I still don't like the term faggot tho im one of those people who at times can talk very common when im in a good session with my peoples but feel like a hypocrite sort of. Its like when you hear a black guy talk and say cracker and u have a white friend. or a white guy who hears someone say nigger. Same thing. but outside of that i never use certain terms. Nigger I never use and cracker i never use. Not because of anything i just don't use those terms. I know there only words people kill me with that shit but words can hurt. I don't want no one to hurt my feelings so i really try not to do it to others so when i have to beat their as i feel justified . That sounds psycho but its true. How can u tell someone not to feel hurt. That's madness people ....just....do

But I still have these weird attractions. Personally, Most dudes don't even turn me on at all . So i was never a sex addict except when I first lost my virginity but most 17 year olds go thru that. By the time i was of age aids was a real thing and herpes and all these things. Sometimes certain guys i do but its a type.I really hated really good looking guys. id say stupid shit like. damn you look like a bitch kid. Id do it to bring em down a notch lol. Or id find the one thing wrong with em and have a yak long conversation about it. Like why is your ass and legs so yellow and your neck black. Or something. It was a way of protecting my self. I didnt have a big ego when I was younger. i wore braces had long hair that my mother use to put in these twists with rubber bands and i always thought I looked like a damn orphan. Plus shed make me wear bright colors like overalls with one shoulder off and cross colours stuff when i was a teen. remember those bright cross color shirts??

When i was really young I had a huge crush on El debarge and Tony from Hi Five and red head King pin! I also had one on L trimm as a kid and MC Smooth id put their pis on my wall and all that. I was very equal opportunity then

I was also very color struck when i was a kid. When I started dating. Light skin was the in thing. My first girl friend had a long pony tail and looked like one of the good girls a popular group at the time. My problem was i am half panamanian and my mother was very dark and had violet blue eyes. The latino community would frown on her when she was young cause grandma hadn't been married in those days you were called "born wrong" Then she married dad when she married my dad who was from the south she rarely, if ever spoke spanish. They had hurt her so bad. calling her terrible names. She made more out of it than it was but im in her day it was a big deal. latinos and Latinas were trying to pass

So I dated light skinned black girls and all that till someone called me on it. I was young it was interesting. I didn't think I had prejudices but i did!

i made up for it by fighting anyone who called my friend black-ie cause he was really dark and theyd say mean shit like "the tar trucjk ran over your mama when she was pregnant" That dude grew up to be one handsome black katt tho. On a field trip my mom was the chaperone's and marvin was on the ground crying all over skin colour. This was in 1987. My mate is called Dark gable need I say anything else LOL. We all grow and are stupid long as we learn from it. its all good

cause I know I have some hang up about rejection. I'm tall and slim LOl not really tall but I use to wanna be bigger. Now as an adult i like 5 ten which isnt that tall. We grow into ourselves

So I have never approached a dude I use to like to make em talk to me. I always felt they would throw it up in my face that i wanted them. i know its weird but that's how i was as a teen and younger adult. and Girls the same way. id really like people but i couldn't do it. i did it once tho and it turned out not good. This cool purtorican I was like some kid. it was like pulling hens teeth and stuff. He wasnt too good and we are still friends but he might be the only person i said "I like you your not mad are you? I mean like LIKE lol. damn and I wasnt that young either LOL

I never dated a big girl or a big guy either. That's not prejudice tho I just dont go with anyone i suspect might could cause physical harm. Weird but I favored all that in when I was dating. id say Uh uh that M..F is to damn big what if they turn out to be abusive. i dont think I can beat em...and so i wouldn't mess with em...Weird.

Women are funny they are as crafty as guys they will be your best friend till they get attracted to you then they get thirsty and what thee heck they will try to lay you and reform you" the church ones are the worse. I hate church women with a passion cause they will have affairs with those gay guys and the guy is doing some guy and as long as no one knows shes kool.

soon as it gets blown up? She goes into that Hollywood soap opera crap. Its funny

. They do the sneakiest crap to their men too. And some church gays are ir-rating. Not because there gay but because they wanna be so hateful. Talk about people and act all faggy when no one s around. I use to get mad and wanna fight when I was a teenager. Those were some fun days tho. I wont even go into the grimy shit I use to do. But the church gays would try to sneak and have the guys in the neighborhood and then the guys wouldn't hang with em cause when I was a kid if a by was in the choir he must be gay. That's how narrow-minded they were in the 80s so id never go to church. id just get my whipping or punishment. Till my mother said " i cant make Yul believe in anything but if Yul ever want to know about anything ask me" Than got into sunday school did my catechism and got baptized

I remember this elder from a COGIC church i dated and I use to ask him all sorts of questions. he was a really nice person. He was like 29 and i was 18 or 19. he really had a daily struggle with the church and his sexuality. His whole family was religious too. They were from some part of the south I cant even remember now. i wasn't sexually attracted to him but he was so cute LOL

But he was very feminine and wed hang at the mall and i would get into a fight with people messing with him. He didn't really look fem. hell i was younger than him but he acted feminine he wasn't....aggressive he was a very passive person when he got mad you could see the sissy then . It was a drag and lasted about 6 months. He so wanted someone to love him that he was willing to just go for anything. I never understood that feeling. Plus he use to want a husband. I didnt like that i said hell, you cant be no wife you got a mustache. Why cant we just like each other. i think he thought i was slow maybe in my own way I am but Im comfortable with the way i see the world.

I never had that feeling of wanting someone to love me. i just assumed they did! I mean I just assumed that were friends and ill treat you like you treat me.I love you for that. i was always in love with something or someone. But im not the tell type. I dont say to my mate I love you i try to sometimes I do. But I try to show it. By doin stuff he knows i hate to do which is everything but eat and sleep and drive and read.

I don't know about the used part. I believe no one can use anybody unless you let them use you.

If someone asks me for a dollar and I don't wanna give it to them. Ill just say no. I don't care if we go together or not.

Even now.that's what my mate likes about me. (christopher street park, home of stone wall riots circa 2008)

he says he always knows i will speak my mind. But sometimes i don't want to be like that. id like to try the other way but it is not my nature. Just to experience it.

He asked me about kids. He doesnt have any. I told him wed have to break up. You cant use people to make babies. Then wanna go back to same sex set ups. Even if they agree sometimes Yul gotta think for them. cause in the heat of the moment and when you want something its easy to just go full steam ahead.

I remember lisa was a lipstick lesbian I guess they cal it. Like a girl type girl and she went with this girl name cee. use to act like a boy Grab her pants and stuff. the problem was lisa had 4 kids the kids use too rag on her so bad. This was the late 80s I felt sorry for the kids.

When my 1st wife got pregnant i was really dumb then. i was a street kid use to hang out for days at a time. She was bi sexual but she started trying to handle me like a dude. i was like WTF i don't really like dickless dudes so i split and when I found out she lost thee baby. I went thru a phase. I felt I had to be on one side of the fence or the other.

The problem was. I just liked anyone that made me feel good and I was shallow too. U hurt alot of people being shallow. So I grew up.

I dont understand why anyone worries about what a person does with their genitals. Once I got in a fight about three years ago. This dude was at th Park and he was like. Yo dont slim swing both ways. I heard it. I said why you worrying about what another man does with his dick balls and asshole. freak ass bitch. We got to fighting. i didnt lose i didnt really win. Were tight now. His name is C and lives two apt down. i caught him sneakin in these drag queens house last Summer LOL i swear people are funny. he saw me and said " yo they wanted me to cop some weed 4 them" lol

I don't have alot of gay friends. One of my friends is straight but th other ones are basically gay or bi or whatever but they will date girls of different cultures not because they really like em. They are kinda scared of black chicks.

A black girl will call a dude a faggot or punk in a minute. But what they didn't know is white chicks will too specially those broke ones. But, some of the white girls will just take em as is and that fucks with my friend cause hes basically a shit. Black women do too on the Down Low. many is th e woman who would rather have a dl man then no man. Diseases be damned . That's just the way it is around here. i know alot of dudes that do gay things behind closed doors and do em better than them flaming Queens. That's funny

How does a girl know if a man is gay or not. God damn if the dude isn't out there at least seen with girls or if there like ghetto trying to act like thugs and have no kids. I always say that's a dead give away. All the DL people I know get mad at me. But its true. People just don't care. I don't care but like to look and try to figure. i can smell someones sexuality a mile away. I dont care. So when they start trying to explain this ir that i be like i don give a shit about what you do sun. That's my main line. i dun give a shit about what yu do with your dick, ass or mouth thats you...Siunds so ghetteo but you have to be like that around here

Charles. I hope he doesnt read this. he doesnt blog anyway, we were in the village and a trans-gender was kicking it with me we were laughing and talking being stupid. he turned his lips up and walked away. So I pulled him. hes from Jamaica and good people. But hes narrow minded. i said to him "your from kingston and you ve told me of the prejudice how can you be the same way"

he said " I just......( STOP just got off phone with him. freak in coincidence) anyways, he said he hates to see a man act like a bitch.

I was like damn that's what people say about gays in your country. To big football player rusty ass mother fuckers laying up. Everyone heard that before. Least in the black community they have. On my moters side theyre latin they say one should at least be feminine then the other isnt gay. They're crazy too. i figure they both have male genitals so they both are homosexual or bi sexual

I said it don't hurt to talk to no one. Its not like you gotta sleep with em and all that.

I started to make him walk his crusty butt home i was mad because he didnt have to try to be that way. THAT WAS ACTING LIKE A BITCH

but we went to white castles and ate those burgers that give you di-area lease they do to me anyway. nasty lil burgers for 49 cents.

We saw each others views. We argue but don't disrespect each other. Our first argument was about Wendy Williams.

Arguing is pointless unless your in court. people say shit to me and I'm like whatever. When i was younger I use to fight alot.

Even in my relationships I wanted to fight. Ive never physically been in a altercation with gabe. We use to argue now we just disagree. Mostly about other people People use him I use to think cause hes cool. Id see thru it but I had to learn to just be cool u gotta fall back and let people see it. So id say, "what does it mean when a person says this or that" I knew fully but that's the only way to bring things to your friends. if he says the wrong thing im like "oh I thought they were trying to be sneaky or conniving. I'm glad you see it. (you can see the light go off in his head and that works.

But back in the day i was like "aww man you know they was trying to lay down some real bama shit on you son and u aint catch it. Then he'd get defensive at me and wed fight. My nana taught me those skills they work. Plus there fun to use.

Life is the longest thing we gotta do on this damn planet so

why

rush

(nana age 83, brooklyn, Ny personal collection)

take your time to get your house right.

damn i forgot i was blogging about the chick...ah well shes old id never do it with her even if i want with gabe

Now I see why these older women get played by younger guys. If I wasn't tired and 19 id be laughing but I hate using people or feeling I have.

When I was not in relationship. i couldn't get a dude to look at me. Unless he was some hard rock wanna be thug and im too hateful to deal with them. I feel bad because when a person has to front whats their? Nuthin.

I cant tell peeps how to live their life's but I know if my mother ever had tripped id be like im out. I had cool parents tho.

Tis lady i tell you she called me at the crack of dawn. I'm so stupid I go feeding that BS I try to talk her the instructions. gabe is looking at me like WTF?

But he knows me. I have a simple philosophy. I'm not a cheater peeps say this and its BS but I'm not. I will quit a person first. I cant give anyone that much power to make me have to lie. I have an issue with that.

I wish i was flattering myself but when a woman old enough to literally be my moms gets on her knees like shes all into what your doing like a school girl. I'm like.

Now here's the thing. These people are freaks they all have sex and some of their men are bi. Its some sort of club or whatever. But I'm not with it.

I go to clubs but I tell girls in a heart beat "ah ma you don't want it I m with a guy" Some females say " i can change all that"

Hell, a nut is a nut basically. If I love somebody im good im in there. Ill date you male or female but I like guys better unless the girl is a drop dead gorgeous female. That's crazy!!! now i just like guys.

i read a person usually swings one way or the other before they turn 40 or 50 well im sleepy