Random Saturday Morning Thoughts..my picture blog

( 6 trai

Why is verizon phone and Internet so expensive? They have almost twenty dollars in taxes and surcharges for the land line phone! My bill was like 110.00 Thad's Crazy in the house the internet is only 19.99 i just leave mine on so i get my 19.99 worth but I woke up this morning and thought about that my electric bill may be high as hell.

verizon is crazy.

Gabe said why do we have a land line anyway. hell, I like a land line.

I might let my cell go. i did once following behind Gomez.

(my closest friend gomez)He doesn't care about a land line or cell. Wont hardly answer his cell.

My contract ended months ago I just kept paying but I only use 100 minutes cause you get 5 faves I'm only a fave to three of them the other 2 we have fallen out. I'm always trying to call pep-le at the end of the term so I don't lose minutes. I called my aunt the other day. That was work. We talked about nothing. Yes I might get rid of the cell. I don't now. maybe get a prepaid one? I have a virgin mobile phone. QT who is my friend on this page and FM 360 in the summer I use to talk on the porch to him for hours just hanging out arguing with neighbors. he was fun. Wed talk about music and stuff on the Net. hes a good person little crazy tho. But good. he might start blooging more here he signed my guest book anyway. At first i didn't get him to much he was always doing these satires about celebrities then i started to dig what he was doing and we became cool

Hats funny we havent fallen out but we don't speak that much via cell. ( Thad's hardkore im thinking of. me and Antwan was wondering about him. He has a nice page here to and on 360.

The other fave it kills me to call his ass.(shawn ski) he always has some slick stuff to say. I call my friend here in Brooklyn when no one else their is to talk too. i swear. Then when I don't feed into it tries to be regular.

I have grown up so much in the past five years. Cause I love my gay friends but I hate when they act like bitches just on that catty faggot shit. I can take it with gays online cause i don't know them I think online peeps are just having fun so they say weird shit and to me its funny. cause I know we don't really know each other and probably without the internet we would never even probably kick it. So, I understand.

but the ones in my neighborhood? I remember I wouldn't be seen with Shawn I hope his ass reads this too. That punk I swear. never calls till he wants something.

I live down the hall from a transsexual. She looks ok. we don't associate to much or nothing but they are very nice people. I got locked out and they helped me gain access to my apt. My mother like d them too when she lived. She didn't understand them she felt if your gonna dress like a woman you should at least look like one. Ma use to say " my god he has no business in no dress he aint fooling no one. But shed always say, His make up is nice. I wish I could wear make up like that.

Last year he called and i was not in a good frame of mind. When si aw his name I was like "What do u need cause Thad's the only time you call" so he wentbinto that sissy thing and I just hung up on him. Nana said, Why did you do that. i told her. I forget what she said but I told her I was sick of people only calling when they had a need. I was looking at a lot of pics we took tho at one time we were close friends. I see us drinking at bars etc. But somewhere we stopped being friends closely.

same with *&^%$ und out he was not well and he would still do things that could harm his health. I don't understand that. How you can U be dying of AIDS he had one T cell ( i wonder what the hell the T stands for? imma investigate this on the internet. he said. I went to his house he was still doin some foul, foul shit. he used drugs sometimes too. Gabe and him do not get along they were going t fight once. Hell, they are both men I wasn't about t jump in that shit. They were both wrong. I remember saying if these two get in a fight i swear I hope G wins. But lawrence sid some shit to me that pissed me off. he said these latino mother fuckers ...Hats when I checked him. But he was just mad. gabe was being really fucked up to him disrespect-in him 4 no reason. We never talked about that. To many years done gone by to bring it up now. let sleeping dogs lie

Hats just I still don't know what to think. I tried to call him ( XXXXXX)skin got very bad looking and he got homeless too. I let him stay in Gabes apartment cause at that he was getting ready to sublet and was never their anyway. That guy just was out there hes a minister too with the Church Of God In Christ. But he explained alot about religion at one time I didn't like gays who were religious and active in the church. I thought they were hypocrites. I use to call them church sissies. I was real bad about saying that too. He explained that they are human. It was deep. Nobody may respect that but i do because I use to really be negative about alot of things due to ignorance. He said some people are just a work in progress or something like that.He said more i cant remember it now. i remember cause it was like 4 am when we was talking at my old crib. I drove to Fla to pick him up. Not really cause I'm a good friend I just needed an excuse to go. He was stranded. Now that I think about it. That MF probably smoked up his Amtrak ticket! How else would you get stranded? damn I was dumb.

but I know I went 4 my own reasons. We went to a hotel and I use to live in fla when i was like 15 for a year but I'm still friends with alot of guys and girls I met. We ran into this guy named dexter who i snuck in the house but I was like not having sex yet but we were just chillin laying in the bed doing that corny ass teen age stuff you do when your like a virgin and don't know what to really do. he wasn't that good looking then either. he was kinda ugly last I saw of him. Anyways, and my moms found him hiding under the bed. i still laugh at that. dexter came to the hotel it was clled the gator inn, omn of those cheap hotels It was near the University of Florid. i went to school a year in gainesville Fla. I saw him walking down 5th ave in Porters quarters Thad's like the black side of town.

I hollered and shit I recognized him. He was sort of nerdish looking back in the day.I told him to come hang with us and we were kicking it. Now this guy lawrence. was trying to make him you know. lawerence is way older than me cause he has a son close to my age but he looks really young like . he was like 50 then! That was wrong cause damn. he wasn't too well his self and their wasn't a damn condom in sight. I didn't know what to do I didn't want to tell dexter his business. Plus no telling what the hell dexter had. That dude over the years was fucking everything. So they was probably both in the same predicament. I just drove him home tho. No one was paying for the damn room but me. i figured if anyone was gonna sin it shold be the one with the damn visa card. that would be me..!

When you spend your life a certain way sometimes you don't see others views. I commend all those kats who go to church , sing n the choir are elders because at least they are serving a God they believe in. I just cant get into church. I don't know why. I hate it. Its boring and the people are so phony. I always think they thinking im gay or something.

i went to a baptist church once or holiness and the usher had the nerve to ask me why i didn't go down when they had alter call. I wa so pissed i said none of your damn business. It pissed me off.(downtown brooklyn)

That usher from the time i walked in wwas just fucking with me. i was trying to sit by myself cus ei dint like sitting next to a bunch of strangers then they want you to hug em and all. She kept trying to make me sit somewhere finally I lost it i was like damn whats with you. She looked so shocked then I was mad cus eif there was a blessing or whatever i had fucked that up messin with her ass!

I just cant get into it. But i think about these things I try not to hurt people. Not because I am scared its because for years I didn't give a damn. I did so amny rotten things to alot of people coming up. Now I try to chill.

Things that would have upset me years ago don't faze me. In the street I stay away from alot of the places like the village those young gay kids will make you punch them inn the face. I went to this bar kee kees I think it is called. This black gay kid touched my hair and said "oh Thad's real! I thouht it was a weave, that was the last fight I had. I was going thru a thing. That year I couldn't get it together. I was just barely surviving and i was trying to stay on the right side of the law. Not get caught up. I had made some pretty good friends but i went down their to have fun. Alot of them knew me because one said, uh uh they fucked with the wrong one. But I don't understand when people always have a sharp mouth and say things and when you knock their ass upside they head. they look stupid and wanna apologize. i doubt they are sorry they are just sorry that its gonna end not to nice. (east side 14th stret nyc)I stayed away from the village up until this past summer and again i went to Christopher street park and this dude kicked my dog and again I ended up fighting some guy all the way into the stonewall bar. The worst part it was a white kid and a white bar, I was punching his ass and do u know those people at the bar said " I probably tried to rob him" cause they asked what was going on and i said this MF kick my dog! (patrick)The old queen said humph! probably tried to rob him. Isn't that a bitch so now I just fade away from some of those spots. they are very prejudice over there at the stonewall bar and the Duplex Thad's the place you see on Will and Grace. But say what you want. You can have a masters degree or whatever. if you are a black kid here in NY and you were jeans and jordans people automatically assume that you are up to no good.

if your not swinging your arms and snapping your fingers they think your some sort of thug. Fuck what you heard. progress my damn ass. i don't see much change in peples ideas hell I'm no damn Obama so its more of the damn same.

reminds me of a story where this black lady is walking s=down th street in Hrlem and this man says Well how r u doing miss so and so and she says 'well I'm still a nigger"

Hats how I feel about all this Obama shit. I like Obama but hell I still live in crown Heights and i give less than a flying fuck if the world is wiling to embrace a black president cause ethey still gonna lock their door when you cross the damn street and theyse my black ass. I just may sound cynical but folks are just to damn happy because they think that now were all gonna sing kum bah yah and shit.

Dont get me wrong Thad's not everyone and alot of folks are sincere but ya know. Sometimes baby its all a damn drag. All the smiles and those folks that say "change" for no damn reason in the office. i be like change what mother fucker? LOL sometimes im just mean for th fun of it.

I'm happy folks are trying its a hell of a awkward thihg here in USA right now. Everyone wants to do the right thing but what the hell is the right thing?

Theres a little bar called "The Monster" off Christopher Street in Manhattans west village

gabe and i had broke up. cause when my mother came to stay with me he couldn't deal with it so I was like. bounce. I chose my nana over any man. Fuck it. Love isnt simple. At that time we had one bedroom. I gave ma the bedroom. She was grieving cause my dad had just passed christmas of 05 she would wake up and call him in the middle of the night sweating so. I use to be scared to sleep. She wanted to die when her husband of 54 years died. They were always together(west 14th street, union square)

(parents 50th wedding brooklyn east flatbush)

My whole focus was on her. he felt neglected I think but I couldn't do anything about it.it caused a lot of friction and their was no time to sort it all out everything caused an argument. if he breathed it irritated me so we saw it 4 what it was and he left we were friends we have been friends since Boys High days

but it was hard caring for a senior. She didn't catch demntiaa till pop died then she had no readon to live they had been married 54 years. She would say " I lost everything" damn I didn't know what that ment till she died.

When they took nana to the emergency room gabe came and Thad's really when i needed him. People don't get that you can love someone but you don't need to be up under then 24 hours a damn day. Sometimes you gotta let that person show you they love you by knowing when to step on the scene. Its always when its real, right on time.

I'm still like that. Some days here. i hardly say 20 words to him or him me. But hell after all these years whats to talk about? We can be mad cool just chillin palyng casino. We play that every morning at about 4 am when he comes in themn i get on computer he sleeps i blog and read shit. take a shower and split 4 the day, I use to listen to other gay people and they would always have advice. no man their self but planty of damn advice. One night we were out drinking i told this person "you pick up stranger sin the park how the hellyou gonna give out some damn advice!" Alsohol gives you a wonderful perspective of people. he had a damn nerve.

I had so many decisions to make she needed a 7 hour surgery and if she didn't get it she would die and at her age 84 if she got it she might not make it. I was just a fuckin mess. I even prayed to God but then I was like. naw god I aint gonna promise nothing cause I probably wont keep my promises no damn way. But she believes in you and she tides to live right. that whole scene was a trip. I'm so glad i don't have no one else I will have to go the=ru that agin.

I know right now I'm not as happy as i should be but im not misreable. (on top of Gs aunts house)i don't see why we live on earth and have 2 go thru so much shit. makes no sense. All we do is work and pay bills and laugh a little maybe if your lucky you find someone who loves you. then you die. I think its important to have kids and be a father to those kids it makes living a little more worthwhile. I think maybe so anywway

I was thinking of that damn hardkore from 360. he was from DC we use to talk on the phone ebe=versay when my nana was sick cause I couldn't go out at night so I turned to the net. b4 that i never freely was into the web except to chat on my sidekick on AIM I loved them katts we use to talk on the phone and I was telling him how that shit made me feel. I miss that katt he never calls anymore.

But during that time when I needed a friend he was true. Plus he liked my friend sadiq. I think my friend liked him too.

I wonder with my online friends how they life realy is. yahoo just died. I still blog their cause no one really bothers u too much.

I'm poor and black and pissed off most of the time.

Lonely and miss my mama the rest of the time.

No shit. Sometimes I just sit here and say man my mama is nevr coming home. But everybody in my hood knows me and they give me space.

I started blogging for therapy. I give less than a fuck if I only make 5 friends if they real even though they are sort of imagine-ry being the internet and all im good. But this space just lets me stay in and not be out in the streets.

if I get in trouble I don't have parents anymore and basically I know im kinda immature. I don't get some of the shit on this web at all. I use my sidekick most of the time to blog. I read shit download music the rest of the time I play games, go to work, and just chill.

Hats getting old cause im not finding much joy in that. I don't feel bad my ma died. i feel bad that when i was young I didn't appreciate her enough. I never disrespected her tho. i was a mamas boy to a point. (nana age 83 brooklyn)My nana adopted me she was really my grand ma. But she adopted me. that ment she loved me alot cause she didn't have 2 do that. And she fought to make sure my father and mother couldn't get me. I loved her for that. And, she was always in my corner. Peple in the street do not have your back. I'm tired of thiss line of thought ehll im babbling and shit about old shit

I cleaned out my aol mailbox 7865 emails. Finally, I did find some good stuff in the sent files.

Those yahoo groups. I canceled my membership in those two years ago. I still get tons of pictures. How in the hell does someone email 20 emails to a group full of damn naked men? Hats some corny shit right there. same people every dam day . After three emails I feel like a doctor that shit is not exciting. Oh well. Most of em don't even look that good either. I think they are doing a peblic srvice.

I use to love those groups but I use to be bored and would just argue with them about anything. Then they would just ignore me LOl. That was fun Id sign up again under another name and theyd catch me again. Those moderators have too much time on their hands.

Patrica, Nut, and I drank peach rum last night, then switched to wine. We had so much fun. I don't see why those two are 2gether. Shes always complaining about him. Sometimes i don't like her. i say "why is she my friend?" Then sometimes i love her very much like a sister. Sometimes i hope she doesn't want to try andy sex shit with me. because shes always trying to get me in these just me and you situations and i get paranoid about that shit when it comes to girls and some guys too. I just cant have sex with anybody. when i was 19 i did its a wonder i have my health. cause it sure had nothing to do with how I lived. I thouht sure the first few times i took an HIV test id have it but I was spared. hardly none of my friends were tho. One became an activists for HIV and AIDS prevention hes a peer counselor at a local hospital. When i worked at the jail I use to get him to come in and do presentions for the inmates about HIV prevention and testing. he was so good. I hated that damn job though I miss it now compared to what im doing now. i was a good guidance counselor. The inmates couldn't believe I was the guidance counselor and I knew so many of them cause I went to school 2 years here in brooklyn. They'd be like ol shit Thad's... But all the other counselors was old and id be like see if I can stay outta jail yall can too. cause trust me I was just lucky I was doing some of the same BS they we're. i just didn't get caught. Plus my nana sent me away as soon as she saw i was getting into the wrong path

Reminds me of those peeps that say a piece of man is better than none at all. WTF??? Thad's a thirsty comment. Or someone who hasn't been laid in so long that they're desperate. ill be damn. A piece of man is better than none at all. What piece i always wonder must be the dick and balls and ass or something Thad's giving pleasure. I just don't get that saying...

I don't get it. Dora emailed me saying she thought we were friends. I hung with her for about three weeks and suddenly were friends? People are crazy fast friends make quicker enemies. I iced her. Just stopped talking to her taking her phone calls and everything. Why do I flip on people like that? Sometimes you have to follow your first mind. When I realized that old bitch was driving me around and carrying cocaine in the car i startdd to just ignore it but i woke up one morning and said fuck her. I have no time to figure any damn body out

if you have to figure them out. They are not worth knowing. I have that problem with females becaue females are sneaky. gays are usually just a pain cause they run their mouths and play too damn much. But a female? when you ignore them they get sneaky and do mean stuff. Some gays do too. I knew some like that

Theres a chick arouund the corner. I saw her on the ave one night when I was with somebody and she ran up and she knew me from up in the Bronx. I finally remembered her but do not think she remembered me.

This is fucked up. She tried to break in my apartment years ago. i mean back like 1999 and I caught her and beat her ass all the way out to Grand Concourse. She called the police but she was hysterical the police did nothing. I told them. She was at my front door with a screw driver. So I said, maybe she remembers me and is trying to get me back. But she honestly doesn't remember. I think she thought I was somebody else. Anyway, she started coming over around dinner time. I so the third time she pops up. I let her in and said. You sure be coming around at the eating hour i am not giving any food away today. LOl I havent seen her since. Life is weird. people in brooklyn are just crazy.

Damn today is going to be mad boring. I'm not going to leeave the house today at all except to walk the dog. Mercedes gave skye to some kid on bergen now her mother wants me to keep the dog. Shit im not running a damn pound. The only reason Patrick last so long is he was nanas. Plus he caosts me alot of money. i feel hes like an adopted damn child. (patrick at park probbly about 1 and half year old)

I have never been able to keep a pet. Plus I like Patrick cause he was nanas but I don't know that walking him shit gets old when its snowing and everything. Lucky hes small. Poor dog i feel sorry for him sometimes he is so cute and faithful. When Nana died he slept on her pillow for a month only got up to pea and shit and eat. Then back on the pillow. he grieved like hell. Then one day i finaally grieved and he licked me I didn't like that shit at all. Those dogs clean their asses and all that i was WTF! But he lickedmy ears and got all up under me and i said to him. Thank you. he made me feel good so that dog is like my friend. he just cant talk or nothing but he git felings so I keep him and buy lil clothes and feed him. I saw the cat I kicked out last year. That bitch follows me i hated that cat. I had got that one for nana too but he did something and I gave him to Tony across the street and they evicted him too. Poor cat. I cant have two animals Thad's too much food and vet and all that

I wish i could sleep till Monday I do not feel well at all. Stressed out. Gabe wants to stop working in his Papis Bodega. yeah right. maybe hell find a job on his own maybe Thad's what he wants? i don't see why he wont go back to school. That DJing to me isnt steady and he will never be happy doing anything else but DJing I wish I had a passion like that. Me I like to eat and have a roof I cant fuck with the arts too much. .... I'm bored at my job.... I'm even bored tutoring this fall. It must be me.

Oh well. Its just a winter thing. I wonder will I make this a public blog or priate blog today. Sometimes I out too much personal shit in my blogs