Blue Holiday

I was wondering why I have this lethargic feeling. Since yesterday I have desperately been trying to keep myself busy and tho my mind races with dozens of inane tasks that require my attention I keep ending up on the couch. Head up or face down asleep.

Finally, Gabe said, This will be the first Thanksgiving and Christmas without your Mom and the second without your Dad and my nose began to burn. That funny feeling you get when you either drink a Pepsi too fast or are about to cry.

I thought I could be stronger than this. I thought I could breeze thru everything. I just wanted the grief to be over and here it is hitting me full frontal and making me feel that Im a big baby that cant cope.

I know its a process. Its only been since April 18, 2008 that my Mom left here and I know she wouldnt be here forever. I know Im blessed with a great life partner and a pet and some friends who i actually care about.

But, theres this little hole in my heart that wants my Mommy. I dont like the grief process its a cagy thing. It attacks and then makes you believe your getting on and then these holidays come and it hits you. You remember the joy of the big dinners and the music and the laughter and all the sharing and you realize its gone but I know I need to build new memories with Gabe and I want to but I cant.

Instead im sitting in front of my computer like a 12 year old my nose is running and I want to cry but know that I shouldnt that really its going to pass.

Maybe years later I will read this and remember how I felt. How I coped..

Gabe told me that maybe we should go to Atlanta or maybe Fla for the holidays just get out the house. But, We have so many plans the expense would set us behind by almost a year plus, I just dont care for either place. Id as soon cope under my own roof.

Thats what I will do. Im going to go online get the recipes for some things and clean the house. Take the next 3 days off and pull the house together get the cards done and take Gabes dad to his Dialysis I love his father almost like my own. But not the same. His father is like a curiousity. Much diffrent than my Dad. But just as strong.

Ill be OK. This moment has passes