Journal entry 2008103 "tghoughts on females and guys and weird situations"

It is 3:48pm and I am going to bed .

Today has been hectic and weird. On the weekends i work on my home based business which is computer repair.Most people I gett are from word of mouth. Abouut 50 to 60 sometimes 70. &0 year olds I like they wanna feed you I alays say no. hell, never know these days. Im no genius by any means took me 5 years to get a 4 year degree. My math leverl my firstt year of colledge was so low im shamed to say it it was 6.9 six year 9th month. The professors were helpful and I was able to raise oit and get outta the no credit class. yeah the special ed class at college. But in 7th grade I had a 12.9 reading and comprehension level. My 4th grade teacher was hateful thats why I didnt learn the basics then i c=basically coasted thru high school because I was on the basketball team and the teachers kliked me. damn enablers... should have left me back

But with computers im just smarter than some and I hhave a knack for fixing minor to medium problems by just doing it. I can find a old computer and make it work.

Anyway, This one lady calls me all the time and I finally got the memo..I was just their like 5 days ago and formatted her hard drive and re installed her OS. backed up all her pics to disk, and her OS. Great job The whole time shes opening her legs and touching her breast. I was broke I wasnt even thinking about that BS...I was wishing I was like 14 then the Miss Robinson thing cause I was a virgin till 17. I didnt know how to do it with boys or girls. Girls use to say " Im not on my period yet I cant get pregnant and id be like oh ok" I was dumb as hell!!

Plus I was kinda shy cause I wore braces till 9th grade. But i had girlfriends but I just kissed and I didnt know guys could even doo anything! No joke. Id peek at Tony patterson in the gym locker but everyone of my friends did 9 they all ended up gay or bi sexual. But i couldnt connect the dots. I had never really seen anyone elses genitals i dont have a brother so yu know. I never even saw my dads till the week before he died I had to put a cather on him. It was weird to see such things. Yu dont wanna see these things but it was my dad so big deal.

so she calls the lady at 6 am and I cant believe this crap you mean to tell me you dont know how to put in your CC info? and hit the print button?

3 minutes later im finished.

These older women trip me out. Im gay and have no problem telling people. Im one of those dont really care what a person thinks. hell, They talk crap anyway. But im not like very feminine at all, i talk a lot of junk and hang around the guys in my neighborhood cause I know them. But i wouldnt sleep with none of my friends i just dont see em that way. i think the feelings mutual. in the summer I play ball and I have this little dog that follows me everywhere and everyone knows the person I go with and they probbly talk shit at home. Cuz I do about them too but its all good in the street. cant cook too good. I would date anyone who could cook years ago. i hate cookingand washing dishes. its boring and you gotta keep cleaning stuff crap but But, I cook chicken good tho and Turkey cause I dont eat beef or pork. I just cant digest it since i was a kid. No religious conviction or nuthin. Sometimes i eat a cheeseburger from mcdonalds like 2 times a year not much more. i eat pancaks and eggs for brekfast. I like maypo. i eat tomatoe sandwiches alot. i love tomatoe sandwiches since i was a kid. they are so good....

I was married twice. have never ever lied to anyone about my sexuality. Alot of gay men have an aversion to womens genitals. I dont know. Some womens hygene sucks theyd make a man go gay anyway if that were possible which I doubt i is. people are just born that way. But I loved my wife alot we were young and I never messed with a guy or girl while I was married which wasnt long anyway.

When I was about 9 a boy called me a faggot cause I lost a fight i remember being hurt so i didnt even know what a faggot was. But it didnt sound nice. I remember that crying and crying looking in the miror that hung over the dresser. It was jeffrey parker we use to play that corny ping pong game you buy at sears and race match box cars. he was a real Indian least his grandmother was he was half black but had straight hair. I beat him up in first grade on the school bus. Damn the shit you remember freestylin/

My Mama came in the room she said well are you a faggot? Do you know what a faggot is? My mother was very blunt she had a low opinion of anyone that quit high school and didnt have a job. Or if a girl got pregnant out of wedlock two times shed just shake her head. her saying was. You can feed some peopoe a do do sandwich and there so stupid they will eat it with out question. Never take crap from noone

i said no

She said a bunch of sticks or a ciggrette if your over seas. I looked it up years later it was true.

I still didnt like it. because we had two guys on our block that were really out and about. theyd walk past the ytard and say "oh niss thing my periods on" and laugh and wed throw rocks. i was just a follower. i never tried to hit them aand theyd chase us and say we were going to grow uo to be fabulous queens any danmn way. Butchie was one i cant remember the other ones name oh. marvin barnes!

I still dont like the t4rm faggot tho im one of those people who at times can talk very common when im in a good session with my peoples but outside of that i never use certin terms. Nigger I never use and cracker i never use. Not because of anyting i just dont use those terms. I know there only words people kill me with that shit but words can hurt. I dont want no one to hurt my feelings so i really try not to do it to others so when i have to beat their as i feel justified . That sounds psycho but its true.

But I stilll have these weird attractions. Personally, Most dudes dont even turn me on at all . Sometimes certin guys do but its a type. When i was really young I had a huge crush on el debarge and tony from Hi Five. I also had one on L trimm as a kid and MC Smooth id put their pis on my wall and all that.

I was also very colr struck when i was a kid. When I started dating. Light skin was the in thing. My problem was i am half panamanian and my mother was very dark and had blue eyes. The latino community would frown on her until she talked and when she married my dad who was from the south she rarely, if ever spoke spanish. They had hurt her so bad. calling her terible names. She made more out of it than it was but im in her day it was a big deal. latinos and Latinas were tryiong to pass

So I dated light skineed black girls and all that till someone called me on it. I was young it was interesting. I didnt think I had predjudices but i did. i made up for it by fighting anyone who called my friend blackie cause he was really dark and theyd say mean shit like "the tar trucjk ran over yur mama when she was pregnant" That dude grew up to be one handsome black katt tho. On a field trip my mom was the cheperone and marvin was on the ground crying all over skin colour. This was in 1987. My mate is called Dark gable need I say anything else LOL. We all grow and are stupid long as we learn from it. its all good

cause I know I have some hang up about rejection. Im tall and slim LOl not really tall but I use to wanna be bigger.

So I have never approached a dude I use to like to make em talk to me. I always felt they would throw it up in my face that i wanted them. i know its weird but thats how i was as a teen and younger adult. and Girls i just like because I just do. if there very pretty and funny there good company. I never dated a big girl or a big guy either.

Women are funny they are as crafty as guys they will be your best friend till they get attracted to you then they get thirsty and what thee heck they will try to lay you and reform you" the church ones are the worse. I hate church women with a passion ause they will have affirs with those gay guys and the guy is doing some guy and as long as no one knows shes kool.

soon as it gets blown up? She goes into that Hollywood soap opera crap. Its funny

. They do the sneakiest crap to their men too. And some church gays are irrating. Not because there gay but because they wanna be so hateful. Yalk about people and act all faggy when no one s around. I use to get mad and wanna fight when I was a teenager. Those were some fun days tho. I wont even go into the grimy shit I use to do. But the church gays would try to sneak and have the guys in the neighborhood and then the guys wouldnt hang with em cause when I was a kid if a biy was in the chior he must be gay. Thats how narrowminded they were in the 80s so id never go to church. id just get my whipping or punishment. Till my mother said " i cant make yu believe in anything but if yu ever want to know about anything ask me" ThenI got into sunday school did my catechism and got baptized

I remember this elder from a COGIC church i dated and I use to ask him all sorts of questions. he was a really nice person. He was like 29 and i was 18 or 19. he really had a daily strugle with the church and his sexuality. His whole family was religious too. They were from some part of the south I ccant even remember now. i wasnt sexually attractd to him but he was so cute LOL

But he was very feminine and wed hang at the mall and i would get into a fight with people messing with him. He didnt really look fem. hell i was younger than him but he acted feminine he wasnt....agressive he was a very passive person when he got mad you could see the sissy then . It was a drag and lasted about 6 months. He so wanted someone to love him that he was willing to just go for anything. I never understood that feeling.

I never had that feeling of wanting someone to love me. i just assumed they did! I mean I just assumed that were friends and ill treat you like you treat me. So I dont know about the used part. I believe no one can use anybody unless you let them use you.

If someone asks me for a dollar and I dont wanna give it to them. Ill just say no. I dont care if we go togheter or not.

Even now.thats what my mate likes about me. he says he alwways knows i will speak my mind. But sometimes i dont want to be like that. id like to try the other way but it is not my nature. Just to experience it.

He asked me about kids. He doesnt have any. I told him wed have to break up. Yoou cant use people to make babies. Then wanna go back to same sex set ups. Even if they agree sometimes yu gotta think for them. cause in the heat of the moment and when you want something its easy to just go full steam ahaed.

I remember lisa was a lipstick lesbian I guess they cal it. Like a girl type girl and she went with this girl name cee. use to act like a boy Grab her pants and stuff. the problem was lisa had 4 kids the kids use too rag on her so bad. This was the late 80s I felt sorry for the kids.

When my 1st wife got pregnant i was really dumb then. i was a street kid use to hang out for days at a time. She was bi sexual but she started trying to handle me like a dude. i was like WTF i dont really like dickless dudes so i split and when I found out she lost thee baby. I went thru a phase. I felyt I had to be on one side of the dfence or the other.

The problem was. I just liked anyone that made me feel good and I was shallow too. U hurt alot of people being shallow. So I grew up.

I dont have alot of gay friends. One of my friends is straight but th eother ones are basically gay or bi or whatever but they will date girls of diffrent cultures not because they really like em. They are kinda scared of black chicks.

A black girl will call a dude a faggot in a minute. But what they didnt know is white chicks will too specilly those broke ones. But, some of the white girls will just take em as is and that fucks with my friend cause hes basically a shit.

How does a girl know if a man is gay or not. God damn if the dude isnt out there at least seen with girls or if there like ghetto tryin to act like thugs and have no kids. I always say thats a dead give away. All the DL peoople I know get mad at me. But its true. People just dont care. I dont care but

Charles. I jope he doesnt read this. he doesnt blog anyway, we were in the village and a transgender was kicking it with me we were laughing and talking being stupid. he turned his lips up and walked away. So I pulled him. hes from jamacia and good people. But hes narrow minded. i said to him "your from kingston and you ve told me of the predjudice how can you be the same way"

he said " I just STOP just got off phone with him. freakin coincidence) anyways, he said he hates to see a man act like a bitch.

I was like damn thats what people say about gays. To big football player rusty ass mother fuckers laying up. Everyone heard that before. Least in the black community.

I said it dont hurt to talk to no one. Its not like you gotta sleep with em and all that.

I started to make him walk but we went to white castles and ate those burgers that give you diarea lease they do to me anyway. nasty lil burgers for 49 cents.

We saw each others views. We argue but dont disrespect each other. Our first argumant was about Wendy Williams.

Arguing is pointless unless your in court. people say shit to me and Im like whatever. When i was younger I use to fight alot.

Even in my relationships I wanted to fight. Ive never physically been in a altercation withh gabe. We use to argue now we just disagree. Mostly about other people People use him I use to think causse hes cool. Id see thru it but I had to learn to just be cool u gotta fall back and let people see it. So id say, "what does it mean when a person says this or that" I knew fully but thats the only way to bring things to your friends. if he says the wrong thing im like "oh I thought they were trying to be sneakyy or conving. Im gglad you see it. (you can see the light go off in his head and that works.

But back in the day i was like "aww man you know they was tryinn to lay down some real bama shit on you son and u aint catch it. Then hed get defensive at me and wed fight. My nana taught me those skills they work. Plus there fun to use.

Life is the longest thing we gotta do on this damn planet so

why

rush

take your time to get your house right.

damn i forgot i was blogging about the cj=hick...ah well shes old id never do it with her even if i want with gabe

Now I see why these older women get played by younger guys. If I wasnt tired and 19 id be laughing but I hate using people or feeling I have.

When I was not in realtionship. i couldnt get a dude to look at me. Unless he was some hardrock wanna be thug and im too hateful to deal with them. I feel bad because when a person has to front whats their? Nuthin.

I cant tell peeps how to live their lifes but I know if my mother ever had tripped id be like im out. I had cool parents tho.

Tis lady i tell you she called me at the crack of dawn. Im so stupid I go feeding that BS I try to talk her the instructions. gabe is looking at me like WTF?

But he knows me. I have a simple philosphy. Im not a cheater peeps say this and its BS but Im not. I will quit a person first. I cant give anyone that much power to make me have to lie. I have an issue with that.

I wish i was flattering myself but when a woman oneold enough to literally be my moms gets on her knees like shes all into what your doing like a school girl. Im like.

Now heres the thing. These people are freaks they all have sex and some of their men are bi. Its some sort of club or whatever. But Im not with it.

I go to clubs but I tell girls in a heart beat "ah ma you dont want it I m with a guy" Some females say " i can change all that"

Hell, a nut is a nut basically. If I love somebody im good im in there. Ill date you male or female but I like guys better unless the girl is a drop dead gorgeous female. Thats crazy!!!