I dont like to party on new Years eve. Not because Im religious or even conservative. That would be a great excuse if not for so awful a lie.
I dont like partying because when my parents were alive I never wanted to die on the streets and I never wanted to start the year off drinking and partying. The old people use to say "The way you briong in the new year is the way you will live it"
a cliche? Sure but it always gave me pause for thought. Ive left amny places on new years eve about 11:30 so that im home. Some years I stayed home alone.
Im kool with that. It works for me.
Other oddities i never wanted to be in bed with a stranger on New years Eve. Sounds weird but at 18 i was very promiscouous. I just had sex because their was lack of anything else to do and I guess at that age that was my thing. Didnt fall in love and couldnt remember the folks name 5 minutes after the final curtain came down. wasnt hott on encores either...damn I was sort of a hoe.
What made me stop that was one new years eve I met somebody and the fucker tried to strangle me. Not kill me some sort of perverse pleasure. So ended my damn days of living la vida loca. I laugh now but I remember quoting the 23rd psalm. Funny how sinners get right religious when looking death in the eye huh?
thinking of that...I can remember when I have prayed. Once someone was chasing me with a gun cause I looked like someone that had beat them for dope or money and the fucker was sure it was me! The whole time I was running I was praying to God.
My nana use to laugh when I told her my prayer. its sort of like this " Lord damn i know I dont ever pray or go to church but please forgive me for any sins I have comitted and please hear my prayer" I would be dead serious too. Im catholic true but I have no time to Confer with the blessed Virgin when I need her son with the quickness!
But I did use to pray for my nana that outlive her so she would not be in this world alone. God answered that prayer and though im not religious or anything like that. Everyday I thank God for answering the praer that I put both my loved ones in the grave before I went. Biut me being me I always say that doesnt mean Im ready to go...I laugh afeter and its a good thing.
Truish is throwing a party and she wants me their and I really do not want to start my year off with that. Im a fall and winter drinker never drink in the summer I hate the feeling with the heat. But I dont like to do stuff like that when its a new year.
12 months to become a better person cause I know I have fucked up ways sometimes. I dont alweays deal with people the way I would want them to deal with me. Probbly because ive met alot of bullshitters. I havent been heartbroken but when I feel someone has tried to play me or think they can get over. I havent reached the maturity point where I can walk away. I usually end up slapping them or jumping them or some other childish stuff.
probbly becaue i dont argue well. Im very humble to most people because thats just me. I dont try to offend anyone. Some times ppls see that as weakness specially in the streets. When its word to word once I rerach the point where I cant talk I stutter badly when im very mad then I swing and its something I have worked hard as hell to control because it got me 2 years as a juvenile. Then when I got there I got 16 months for assult and im not a good fighter its more im scred of someone scarring me or something.
So I have reached a very good point I read my old blogs for the last year and a half where I had diffrent confrontations etyc and I see the growth and Im pleased.
I want to comtinue having more self control. Even of my the things I say because wiords cut deep plus their the gas to most physical fires. I tell gabe this as I never argue with him I really just say this is how i feel. Please respect it but I cant go back and forth just let me hear what you think and i will do the same. It took awhile for him to catch it but now its made our home better and we are able to talk more even about explosive things. Its made it a safe place.
Life is the longest thing we have to do on this earth. I dont know WTF people say "Life is too short for this or that" To me thats BS. Life is the longerst thing I have ever done and will do. I like the negative so im young enough to deal with it. That way shit wont come up during my mid life crisis.
a lot of men internalize everything. They dont talk well to strangers they do but they ignore alot till it builds up. Some of them get high blood pressure. When I was working as a QDDP I got high blood pressure i was like WTF but i was just letting everything sklide and trying to just keep the peace. I was so misreable
I had stomich aches and as a kid I was the same way. I even have trouble saying I love you verbally. Im not a talk love type person.
I remember I dated this girl in 7th grade and I liked her so much and I fell in puppy love with her that I bought her a 50 dollar bottle of Chanel #5 but i couldnt say it
my father wasnt big on that I use to tell him i hated him lol which i didnt but it would get his attention its the only time i ever saw him cry. But I loved him.
Even now i make myself say it because even though I feel it I have this hang up that it makes you look weak as hell and ill get played and thats soooo not true. So I knock myself out doouing things that show them I am thinking of them and care for them but one day G said u never say alot but i know. But I try to say it.
hang ups are hard.
Some people have a fucking answer for everything but I doint because I dont understand most things. I have to sit on things for months sometimes and turn em over b4 im cool with it.
I dont plan to go back to catholic church this year. Its a rule that you have to make confession at least once a year but you know what I dont belive that rule cuz i never read it in the bible. But I do pray and between me and God hell judge me on judgement day cuz he knows my heart anyway.
my heart is so heavy right now cause my father died christmas of 2005 but i know i asked god to take him b4 me and nana left 2008 in april and sometimes i really feel like why am i just here just waiting to die? Why do I have to go thru this shit everyday? Theres no one that needs me like that. Thats dumb thinking but in my solitude time it hits me and changes my whole aura.
Its easy to remember but hard to forget. i use to hear that song as a kid and now I understand what Billie Holiday sang about. I thoiught it was just a love sone but its not. Its so easy to remember things that tear us or make us and its hard to forget.
Sort of like forgive and forget. I need to forgive some people and its eating me becaue I wont...Not cant just wont. I hear the tv minister say when i do ill be free. hell I guess ill be a slave cause I hold the longest grudges but im working on it.
im ttired of typing...
I hear you whisper....illl laways love you and though it brings me regret...Irts easy to remember but oooh so hard to forget.......
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