HUMOUR (dumbass responses)

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.

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(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

--Mariah Carey

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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"

-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .

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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"

--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"

--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"

--A congressional candidate in Texas .

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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

--Al Gore, Vice President

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"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."

-- Dan Quayle

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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

--Lee Iacocca

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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."

-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

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"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."

--Keppel Enderbery

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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

KELIS GETS PAID

New mom Kelis has won a whopping $55,000-a-week in spousal and child support from estranged husband Nas after a judge ruled in her favor in their ongoing divorce battle.

Rapper Nas only wanted to pay $5,000 a month in child support for their newborn son Knight, while his budget for spousal support was not released.

Kelis -- who filed for divorce in April -- argued she needed $3,500 for a baby nurse and an additional $20,000 for strollers, cribs and other baby supplies.

But the singer, who gave birth in New York on Tuesday, will now have cash to spare after a judge ordered Nas to hand over the more substantial sum during a hearing on Thursday.

He will also have to cover additional costs of prenatal expenses and medical insurance and pay $35,000 in legal fees to Kelis' lawyer Laura Wasser, reports TMZ.com.

The former hip-hop supercouple was originally due in court on Tuesday, but they were excused from the hearing after Kelis went into labor.

The stars are both seeking joint custody of the baby boy

Read more: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/dailydish/detail?blogid=7&entry_id=44239#ixzz0MaEbSIMX

The old country preacher (humour) from my friend KEM

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.

1. A Bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whisky.
4. And a Playboy magazine.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.

"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
"If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
"And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress."

The elderly couple (humour)

An elderly couple,

Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled,

'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression,

Margaret replied,

'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert,
Shoulda bought a hat.'

top twelve indicators the economy is bad (humour)

TOP 12 INDICATORS THE ECONOMY IS BAD

12. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

11.. You get a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

10. You go to buy a toaster oven and they give you a bank.

9. Hot wheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM and Chrysler in the stock market.

8. Obama met with small businesses - GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM - to discuss the Stimulus Package.

7. McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

6. People in Beverly Hills fire their nannies and are learning their children's names.

5. The highest paid job is now jury duty.

4. People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

3. Motel Six won't leave the lights on.

2. The Mafia is laying off judges.

And the #1 indicator of all:

1. If the bank returns your check marked "insufficient funds," you have to call

to ask if they meant you or them.

.......and that is just the tip of the ice-cube.....

All i could say was damn

On the phone my friend told me someone he knew met a person two weeks ago. Moved him in after two weeks. Opened a business account the account is now overdraft. Wtf???? Where are these dummies. I said shit if i get that desperate just shoot me. I have been thirsty in my day but never dehydrated. All i could say was are they under 25 i figger at that age u are allowed to be a lil dum my friend said well over 30 all i could say is DAMN

Is their such a thing as unconditional friendship

Its rare that i get off the phone and feel the need to blog but this is one of those times. One of my closest bestest friends did something that i cant wrap my head around. Last week a mutual aquaintance of ours got very drunk acted out and got robbed some sort of way. This mind you isnt new Alberts been getting robbed and drunk since I was a kid. Aways carry large sums like 600 BUCKS most days. So that wasnt a shock but my friend was appaled hes kind of square anyway but i love him as a friend to death. he calls me and says he gave him a hundred bucks so he could get brekfast and a cab home. The next night albert does the same bs and they call me at four am i say fuck em and go back to sleep. now today my friends computer laptop isnt working and so i offer to fix it free but they expect me to come out to Murray hill I felt they should come to me. now im labeled a fair weather friend. meanwhile hes to broke to buy the part he needs which i know means he will want my sears card. im good friend but damn!

Blind dates and the wonders of it all

Yesterday my friends set me up on a blind date. I know how those things can be a huge dissappointment. So i only prayed he would have two eyes good smelling breath and not weigh over 160 lbs. Well jesus was on the mainline cuz it all ended up great. How cool is that? My faith in prayer is restored

The inter racial dating thing

Im practical if nothing else so when my friend and i decided to hang out and catch some new digits i asked upfront. Would u date a white person? They repliedd as crappy as their date life had been hell yeah. Hmmm ive dated exactly 3 white guys and one white female in my whole life. But they werent real white ppl they were the ones who wanted to be black. So i wondered have i ever dated a real white person. One that is totally oblivious to my own culture? That sounds scary. Im always afraid that a slip of the tounge may occur in a heated moment and i end up in jail for life. That is honestly my only fear! Otherwise id be cool with it

Some never tire of doing wrong.

Sometimes i wonder when i walk down my block why some of us never tire of doing the same ole bullshit. DAY AFTER DAY WEEK AFTER WEEK YEAR AFTER YEAR damn sometimes i really get sick and tired of Brooklyn. Recently i really started toying with the idea of moving away. But you cant run from bullshit u just move and its a bunch of strange faces doing the same old shit